Hitting Restart on My Solo Winter Journey
During these same years my husband and I started a family that grew fast. Eventually we were all travelling together from Colorado to Vietnam. Vietnam was our second home and the place where we met and adopted our 4th lovely daughter. By this time, life was becoming more complicated. The adoption was incredibly long and daunting - a 6 year process! My soul was getting weary and it was clear that life as I had known it for so long was getting ready to change. My husband and I were approaching the most challenging days of parenting and family. After all the years riding the high of doing good work and having wild adventures, I was spent. I “hit the wall” one night. It was soon after we had brought our new daughter back home to the States when I was caught off guard by my own intense weeping. Never had I felt so overwhelmed and undone.
That year I was turning 41 with three teenage daughters and now a 6 year old who didn’t yet like me. I felt I was starting all over again in many ways while at the same time saying goodbye and mourning a beautiful past. The reality of hitting midlife just did not seem possible. It was as if I felt like I had lived an entire human’s life in 40 years and yet I hadn’t lived life at all. As I sat on my bed and wept, I felt like such a blubbering idiot for not fully understanding why. My husband, a little freaked out about my state, asked me what I needed. “I need to go to Prague!” The words came out of nowhere and were so shockingly humorous that we both started laughing.
To this day, I don’t know where the idea of Prague came from other than the memory of a conversation I overheard years before. A friend had talked about the beauty of the city. After hearing that, maybe my soul just knew what I needed. The laughing soon stopped, and to my surprise my husband looked at me and said, “go.” Immediately a weight fell from my shoulders. I started smiling. I got excited. And in 10 hours, before hubby had a chance to realize the error of his words and change his mind, I was booked on a flight to Europe and my entire solo journey was planned. Life is so weird.
Vienna
Three weeks later I was on a plane to Vienna. Europe was about as different from Southeast Asia as I could imagine and it felt like I was starting a new chapter. The trip was obviously not planned and my budget was the most minimal. So, my first nights in Vienna were spent in a hostel. I was all alone, free to do anything I wanted. I had no agenda. I cared very little about touristy things. It felt like this part of the journey was all about wandering and wondering, journaling and breathing deeply. It made me feel like drinking amazing coffee and walking in silence for miles and miles without Google maps was the only agenda to follow. For me, Vienna was about getting lost. And that is exactly what I did.
In Vienna I woke up early before the bustling world started to bustle and walked the streets just looking up and admiring the architecture. I would stop to sip a macchiato and eat a decadent dessert that should have probably been reserved for later in the day. Instead I savored them both with great enthusiasm at 8am. I sat in parks and watched families play or moms push their prams while warmly wrapped up as the winter snow lightly fell. In Vienna I practiced silence and getting lost on purpose and being present with myself for the first time. It almost felt like a reintroduction of myself to myself. I already knew this solo journey was going to be significant.
Salzburg
The train ride to Salzburg was glorious. I could get used to this way of life. It felt like I was getting new travelling feet and my confidence continued to rise. Salzburg was lovely and quintessentially European. The Austrian way of life is precise and orderly, clean and kind. The German language is fascinating and by now I had figured out a few words. This made for clearer understanding of my location and how to maneuver the city streets. Still no Google maps. What freedom!
After 3 days in the snowy city, as I explored bundled in my giant gray North Face puffer coat and scarf, I experienced sweet nostalgia from my childhood. The Sound of Music came to life for me as I trekked to the abbey where Maria and the nuns lived. I took a rowdy and quirky Sound of Music bus tour. We toured the famous sites as everyone on the bus collectively sang “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,” and every other iconic song. The days in Salzburg were full of pure, childlike joy and wonder coupled with the most engulfing and peace my soul has ever experienced. I visited quaint European cathedrals for the first time and just sat for hours.
Every second of every moment I was doing what only I wanted. No one else had an opinion. No one else even knew where I was. In Salzburg I began to discover the me that had always been, and it was life-changing. I started to like her.
Prague
Finally, my adventure led me on another train ride to the mysterious city that prompted this entire journey. I never knew that fairytale villages actually existed until I Iaid my eyes on the landscape of Prague. And guess what. I started weeping again! I could barely breathe at my first glance of Prague Castle from the St.Charles Bridge. Something spiritual and unexpected was happening to me as I walked solo through the medieval streets.
While walking the cobblestone streets in the deepening snow something else deepening seemed to cry out from the cracks. Generations of history and lives spent walking through the city center met with me and overcame me. I felt welcome. In those days I barely slept. I had to be present to it all. Never have I felt more safe or more in awe as when I explored Prague. Waking early and staying out late, napping when I wanted, eating bread and drinking hot wine was the pace of each day. Every corner held a new excitement. I longed to know each person I met. I wanted to savor the feelings that were coming alive in me. In Prague, my soul was blanketed in quiet and renewed. The city was quiet in the cold and snow. Tourists were at home and I had this fairytale city to myself.
Still today, when my weary soul needs rest, I close my eyes and go to Prague. I stand in the middle of Nerudova street, bundled with only my eyes peeking out and snow falling cold on my nose. In my mind I stretch out my arms and twirl with freedom and laugh and weep. I met myself fully in Prague and in Prague a piece of me will always remain. Somehow my weary soul knew I needed to be alone in this city. My soul knew I needed the journey. There is so much gratitude for being brave enough to say, “yes.” I allowed myself a moment to be quieted, renewed and inspired. The next step of the journey was to go home and move fully into the next chapter of the growing story of my life.
© Amy Colón, June 14, 2020
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